In the past few weeks, the news has been swamped with the staggering number of people who use or have used the site “Ashley Madison” to have an affair. Hackers have revealed to the whole world, the information of more than thirty-seven million users who were actively using the site to have an affair outside their marriages. With the motto “life's too short, have an affair” Ashley Madison, managed to attract personalities of different walks of life; from politicians, actors, and professional athletes, all the way to the average household's man and wife . So we ask ourselves, why do good people cheat?
It is easier to ask when, where and with whom it was done, but the answer to this question may not bring enough peace of mind to the culprit. Instead, the why, withholds the most painful answer of them all. Why would someone choose to hurt the person they love?. . Usually this is the only question that people who cheat can't manage to answer either. So we set out to investigate. What is the science behind cheating.
When people cheat it is not always only about sex. Author Gary Neuman of the book “The Truth about Cheating” states that when people engage in a romance, it is most likely because they are craving for an emotional connection, which is missing in their daily lives. In his studies, many people who stated actively cheating on their partners, rated the other person as not even more attractive than their own spouse!
Most romances start when men and women form a strong friendship connection with another person. This relationship then grows over time, reaching a more intimate stage. When the intimacy in their current relationships is faltering, people are prone to crave for a deeper connection elsewhere. Most friendships are not founded with the intention of becoming a physical one, but in many cases people make the mistake of filling the emotional void from their current relationships with someone else whom they currently have an intimate connection, rather than working on their current relationship. Simply because it is easier.
Cognitive Dissonance refers to a behavior that is prominent within people who cheat. The concept alludes to the ability of a person to remove guilt from their wrong doings by trying to justify it.. This means to admit a certain act they did was wrong, but to justify why in their personal case it was okay to do it. . An experiment conducted in 2013 conceptualized this term. In the study, people were given a guilt trip for their affairs, and they felt bad about it.. But when their behavior was made to seem justified, they immediately were able to separate themselves from their behavior , leading them to produce thoughts like: cheating is bad, but I’m not, because I am a good person…
Chemistry, in the context of relationships, is defined as two people sharing something special. It is not necessarily sexual, but it can be defined as the impulse which makes one think “I need to be with this person”. Chemistry is what drives people together in the first place. Chemistry, though, can also drive people apart. The lack or fade of chemistry in a relationship can usually lead to a breakup if it is not addressed. Even if couples don't cheat on each other, is it essential to work on the relationships to prevent it from rolling down into a spiral of dullness.
All throughout the media, extramarital romances are associated with passion ,adventure, and adrenaline. This style of life is irrationally eulogized. Reality cannot be further away from the truth. These romances usually lead into a rabbit hole of deceit, lies, and guilt leading to the breakup of relationships. Moreover people who engage in extramarital affairs usually are never happier afterwards.
Our relationship are meant to be cherished, and we constantly have to remind ourselves why we love our partners, instead of going through all the anguish of the aftermath of having an affair. Be open with your partner about any issues you are facing and try to build again that feeling of awe that came when both of you were together.
Read our post on How to Build and Keep Intimacy.
